Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Care Them Not

I was very scared of growing up when I was a child. I didn't want to be one of those grown-ups that I didn't like, I thought growing up meant being careless for other people, also meant becoming cruel. I heard about bad things about adult-life a lot, and they terrified me. I was afraid of losing my sincerity once I grew up.

You will get "You shouldn't have done that" a lot in this world. Every individual has their own explanation and expectation to this world, and they work very hard to live up to their standard by keeping reminding themselves what's right and what's wrong. Sometimes, they can't help themselves to correct other people what they should have done and they shouldn't have done. That's why we get judgement a lot.

Some people take judgement as encouragement; some people take it as critical comment; some consider it as bullsh*t/ crap/ hater's word. I am not sure what way to take is right, everybody has their explanation..

However, people may still comfort you and tell you not to take it too seriously and just forget about it. Surprisingly, that never works for me, I still take it extremely seriously and still feel hurt.

When I was in the Church and was a missionary, I went out everyday to tell people I understood their feelings and knew what's the best for them. I stated that I knew a way to change their lives and I would help them to feel happy. I wasn't lying, not at all. I was really happy being a missionary and was really convinced that I could help. And the truth was, many people felt my joy and found their joy too.

Some didn't.

Come to think of it now, I realized why couldn't they be happy as I was. Because they weren't me. I thought no matter who we were, we all could apply a principle to our lives to be happy, but I was not 100% correct. This world is built by tons and tons and tons of things, and it has tons and tons and tons of lives going on every second. Everybody is different, there's no only one life and one standard and one reason. Do you know where the hardest part is? Everything is all connected together and you are too little for the world, your strength is too weak to change it.

Yes, there was a way to be happy.. You could look at things differently by washing away the dust in your eyes. But in the next second, some strange wind would blow bad thing to you again; and soon, some hurtful rock will hit you again. You could continue encouraging yourself and stretch the corners of your mouth to smile, to be happy.... until you lost all your energy and gave up.

Probably going to bed would be a good way to charge yourself.
What if you couldn't even sleep?

Friends/ parents/ partners are the important characters, they stand by you and lend shoulders to you when you need them.
But who knows when is the right time somebody needs comforts??
Some may say it's when people ask you to help; meanwhile some people may complain "Why do I always have to let you know that I need help? Why can't you just notice that? I thought we were friends!"
Some may always go out to help and give suggestions; yet they can be annoying to their friends. Being caring about people for something they don't even care themselves is like hitting a wall that you don't know who else to blame but yourself. You realize running into a wall isn't some pleasant experience so you learn to not care anymore. So you won't help if nobody asks.
Kids may accuse their parents that they don't love them, they are only trying to monopoly them and turn them into something they aren't. Parents don't listen, they feed their kids because they want them to finish the dreams they have.
Partners stay together only because they can find pleasure on each other, and when one of them fails to satisfy the balance between them, they break up and find someone else that meets the ideal.
They say other people are selfish. Funny thing is everybody gets that comment.

Is it weird? I though that's pretty weird.. but to face the truth, that's exactly what I was afraid of since I was a kid. I didn't want to be one of the adults I thought that weren't right, but I am becoming one.

It hurts too much to realize I can't change the world because I can't even change myself. It's too painful to accept who I am and I have no way to deal with it.

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