Fly - Monkey Majik
As usual, I will write something about my life and share some thoughts with you. I am still waiting for my green card to be issued and for the permission to work. For months I've been living in the States, I had studied very hard, had done some music and drawing projects, but sometimes, I still wonder "What can I do?" Life here is very different from Taiwan, simple facts, language is different, food is different, weather is different, I have had a lot to adapt and am still working on it. Sometimes I feel it's a dream-come-true that I am here in America, waking up everyday with my loved one and going to bed together; sometimes I can't help but wondering if it'd be easier that I just lived in Taiwan with cheaper food and didn't worry about job and rent.
When it's cold and snowing outside, I hide myself in the room and watch Jamie's DVD collections. I've never watched so much TV my whole life - School used to monopoly my life, late night study and class on weekends, for years I was only engaged to a life like that. (I couldn't even watch any 30-min Pokemon on TV on Saturday evenings.) But now I got to spend hours laying in bed, watching One Tree Hill and cry and scream and become dramatic with the characters on the show. I feel I am becoming chubbier, lazier, unattractive.
Jamie spanked me (not for fun) and said I was a bad boy - for the reason I looked down on myself. I ask him if he'd ever stop loving me because I am unemployed and not working hard to change that.
He didn't respond to me but only spooned me from my back and wanted me to take some rest.
I kept thinking why would somebody fall in love? Maybe for an eye-candy, a hot body? Maybe that someone's talented? Maybe for money? Maybe for a nice job? Maybe they need somebody to argue or to fulfill their "submissive fantasy"? Why would he love me and marry me? Would he change his mind when I stop making him laugh and when I become less attractive? Would he stop admiring me when my singer-dream get busted and become a waiter in a local restaurant?
His reason was nothing else but the way I looked at him, he loved me because he's at the same place in my heart like I was in his. This reason is simple and will never dim.
As far as I am concerned, life is quite complicated, Human beings are weird because they can't make it complicated enough. The way you talk and behave should be appropriate, should sound pleasant; even when you are telling the truth, you can never hurt other people's feeling, or you just merely can't say the truth too be true. :P Moreover, you have to meet other people's anticipations, despite how unrealistic they are, you should go to the best college, you should find a wonderfully paid job, you should go on mission.
For what we are fighting? What other requirements are there? Whom do we need to show our transcripts? And what are the rewards?
Back in Taiwan, $1 could take care of a meal, but that rate really only exists in another world if you live in America; I paid $166.67 to rent a studio when I was in college, now we pay $600 for only a small room and shared bathroom in somebody's house. Sometimes I go to bed regardless my stomach protest how hungry it is, I can't help thinking how great that was when my mom took us to buy night snacks before going to bed. I struggle with my tears in my eyes, looking at my husband who's already asleep, I finally smile and tell myself it's all worthy.
It's true we are poor, and it's not going to be better when Jamie graduates. He'll have his internship and get no paid for a few months, we still don't know if I will be able to work legally yet. And we still haven't known where to live next.
"What do I want?" Haven't I left the place that's full of arguments? Haven't I gotten rid of the people who were truly selfish but pretended they cared about me? Haven't I stopped being a puppet and being manipulated?
I now have a guy who loves me with all his heart; who doesn't need to travel the world to be happy; who wakes up in the morning to cover me blanket and kiss me; who never implies I am not good enough for him... He simply loves me and wants me to be simply happy.
People always list their requirements, they compare the prices on the labels, and they regret how much they pay more on something but forget to value they thing in their hands.
In this moment, there are a million people that are laughing; three million people that are crying; four million people that are fighting; nine million people that can feel nothing. But you are the only one that can decide what you wanna be, and take your own responsibility.
Loneliness and waiting are the price to realize what suits you the best;
Failures and frustration are the price to search and test miracles;
Poor and hungry are the price to save bigger property.
Love is simple, it's complicates to some people because they can't be satisfied. If you can look at it more clearly, you can have a sincere happiness. Jamie only needs a reason to love me and to build a future with me, attributed to that, I am becoming a happier person.
Climbing the mountain, I feel tired of the struggles, I can't decide whether to go up or down.
The shells collected last year, wouldn't be as beautiful as they were to me if I stop looking at them the way I did.
I thought it would be easier if I could just stop trying, because I forgot what I were looking for.
Love, still exists, as long as I turn my face to the other side.
Go, find my happiness back, stop waiting and wondering.
He will be waiting like a lighthouse at the beach,
waiting for me to come back, waiting for me to realize, waiting for a smile he had admired.
He never leaves, he is my love.
(I hope the lyrics make sense :P)
Thank you for reading this blog. ^_^
Until next time