Wednesday, November 20, 2013

什麼時候做決定才對?

我和冠至小的時候,冠至總是很羨慕戴眼鏡的人,他覺得他們看起來很聰明也很斯文! 於是他開始拿媽媽的或同學的眼鏡來戴,直到他自己也近視了配了自己的眼鏡。多年來他換過很多眼鏡,有很多是因為摔壞了或是度數不夠了需要換新的。他抱怨過有多麼麻煩戴著眼鏡,常常因為表演或其他運動需要配戴隱形眼鏡。 久而久之我也很少聽到他抱怨了。

小時候的他還太懵懂去知道自己要什麼或是知道眼鏡在將來會給他帶來的麻煩,他也不知道這會是個一輩子的承諾,或者是累贅,或許一開始戴起來很帥,久了是不是還會這麼覺得就不一定了。

我常聽到人們討論什麼時候才是好時機結婚,什麼時候才可以有性行為,甚至什麼時間點買冬天的衣服比較好。 有人說要在換季時買因為比較便宜,有人覺得都換季了還買做什麼? 名年又不一定還適穿。

和捷旻在一起快一年了,我也問過我自己我們是不是真的天生一對?


這一年裡百分之八十的時間我們都是相隔兩地的,靠著寫信和訊息,打電話或視訊來聯繫感情,很多我之前所認識的他和現在真的和他相處相當迥異! 我到底是怎麼拖著一只行李跨越整個地球到這裡來生活的? 我怎麼可以就離開我的家我所有熟悉的事情到這裡來和一個我只講過電話的人一起建立生活?

就當這滿滿的問題困擾著我時,我還有更多需要煩惱的事情。 以後呢? 我要怎麼和他在一起? 有什麼方法可以留在美國而不是一年裡只有幾個月的合法居留時間? 要和他結婚嗎? 瘋了嗎? 我真的準備好要照顧這個男人一輩子了嗎? 他生病時或有任何需要時都陪在他身邊? 用盡全力無條件的愛他? 克服和忽略任何誘惑在未來的55年裡的每一天?

問題只會越來越多,我根本看不到未來。



他洗水果的方式真是太誇張了,他只用水沖過幾秒鐘就看著我說洗好了;他把所有髒衣服都丟進去洗衣機,也不管量,也不管種類或顏色或能不能水洗,總之洗衣機洗好了就是洗好了;他覺得只要身上穿了一天的衣服脫下來自己就乾淨了,就算自己沒有洗澡洗頭或洗臉都也是乾淨的! 他覺得所有濕濕的東西都是髒的 就算我才剛洗好... 他覺得有地毯的地板都是乾淨的,因為就算有餅乾屑掉在地上看不到就是乾淨的!

他每次都惹我生氣當我和他說話他卻在看手機! 我辛苦煮完飯給他吃他卻只會反應:「也太多食物了吧!!」而不是簡單的謝謝然後告訴我他肚子餓了等不及要吃了...

我有時候覺得我為什麼要大老遠跑到美國來當傭人.. 我根本像個白癡一樣聽不懂大家在講什麼,被問問題時也只會傻愣然後請對方再多說幾次讓我明白。


下決定來這裡是不是錯的?

我相信決定沒有對與錯,說真的。

捷旻和我的確有很多很多的差異,這段感情經營起來也從來沒有容易過,任何一個我們曾碰到過的問題都可以輕易的拆散我們。


我哥哥可以不戴眼鏡的,只要他那時候不去戴別人的眼鏡;或者任何一段時間他停止的話,他的近視可以不那麼深的。


捷旻可以每天就到學校餐廳去吃自己喜歡的食物,而不是為了我到賣場去買菜和煮飯,兩個人錙銖量度我們的花費。




如果我們總是在想著 "如果" 我們的確能想像到更好的情況,然後會後悔我們現在被困住的原因。可是我們會在最後因為那麼不能改變的事實有一大堆的悔恨,當所有事情都在進步時我們只會被卡在原點沒有前進半步和抱怨連篇。


每個人的生命旅程都不一樣,而我相信這就是我的。 捷旻的個性哪一點和我不一樣都無所謂,那些都遮蓋不住我們一起走來多珍貴的日子和這段時間裡我所得到的快樂。

他總是突然的輕吻我的臉頰,我問他為什麼他只會害羞的笑;晚上就算他睡得很熟很熟他還是會緊緊握著我的手,有時候甚至幫我蓋被子,隔天他總是不記得任何這些他做過的事。

他不是超人,他不知道為什麼會那麼愛我,可是在他眼裡我是全銀河系最漂亮的生物。

我做了對的決定了嗎? 我想是的。

永遠都是在做決定以後我們才會知道自己喜不喜歡










我並不需要去了解為什麼他那麼洗水果或洗衣服,他也不用來了解我的,我們需要記得的是我們兩個來自不同的背景,不應該為了那些不同而生氣。 我們是一對情侶,並不是仇人。任何一個傷害對方的舉動都是在傷害自己。

不要為了自己做的決定而生氣會懊悔,要學會去感恩在做了決定後得到的或能去經歷的,要學會去期待接下來要發生的事情而不是每次遇到困難就想逃回自己的舒適圈。


哪個學校應該申請? 今天該不該讀書? 把自己的身體交給另一個人要在幾歲才能發生? 戴眼鏡好不好看? 該不該現在買冬天的外套? 結婚是一個瘋狂的點子嗎?

我不知道。
可是我想我會去做如果那讓我快樂而且我會為後果負責。

所有讓人驚喜的都是從下了決定後開始發生!




I Do

Decision Made, Earlier or Later

When I was little, my brother always told me how much he wanted to wear glasses. He was jealous of those who wore glasses which he found very fashionable. He started to steal my mom's glasses and wear them. In the beginning, it's really uncomfortable and everything he saw was blurry and unclear, but it didn't stop him. He ultimately was diagnosed that he needed glasses himself as his eyes were not good anymore. Years later, he has had a couple different glasses, some were broken and some were not useful. He also bought contacts and used them when he needed to do intense exercise or perform on the stage. He has said it's a lot of trouble, but I haven't heard him complain about it for awhile.

He was too little to understand what was ahead in the future and he would find trouble later. He couldn't be sure what he wanted or if he could be stuck with it forever. It looked good in the beginning, but soon he had no choice but to wear it most of time, and it became less attractive than it was.


I often hear people ask when would be a perfect time to get married, or to lose virginity, or to do something. Even buying a jacket, people question the better time to do it. Some say it's great to buy clothes when seasons are changing, such as buying winter clothes when it's the end of winter so it would be cheaper since they want to clean out the space or storage; on the other hand people may ask why do they buy winter clothes when winter is almost gone.

Being in a relationship now for almost a year I still ask myself a question "Is Ming really the one for me?"

The huge percentage of the time, our relationship was spent when we were separated. Many of the things I knew about him was not the same as being with him in person. How did I know I would love him no matter what and decide to come to America with only a suitcase..? How was I so sure to leave my home and to build a new one in a foreign country with a guy I only talked through messages and phone calls and videos?

While the problems haven't been solved, we have been given more! What are the options and possibilities for us to be together, in other words, how can I stay in America for a longer time than just a few months? The most positive way is that we two to get married. Seriously?? Getting Married?? Am I really going to wear a ring that will tell everyone or anyone that I belong to somebody who wears the ring with me?? Am I really going to take care of this guy no matter what happens to him or what he needs and love him for who he is, who he wants to be, and support him?? Can I love him unconditionally?? Can I resist any other temptation and only love him the rest of my life which is approximately 55 years??

Tons of questions keep popping out of my mind, however there's no way for me to see what the future holds for us.


He washes fruits and veggies like he never washed them before, he only lets the water flash for a second and he looks at me like they are all clean. He throws everything into the washing machine and when it tells him it's ready he thinks it's ready and all his clothes are fresh and clean. He feels the shirts he wears a day is very dirty but he jumps into bed without taking shower and he thinks he's clean by only taking off those clothes but forgets the face, the hair, the hands, and feet, even his mouth need to be clean too. He feels anything that's wet is dirty, even when they are just washed; but his floor is always clean even though he just drops some pieces of cookies on it.

He drives me crazy when I talk to him but he's looking at his phone. He makes me furious when the only comment I get from him after cooking him dinner is "(gasps) That's a lot of food!" instead of "Thank you honey for the food I can't wait to eat!" He makes himself a total ruthless, coldblooded, bad guy who doesn't know how to appreciate my hard work!!

I sometimes feel I shouldn't have came all the way from Taiwan. I shouldn't have done this, why am I here being a servant and being so dumb when I can't understand anything people are talking or when I can't answer whatever they ask me? I have imagined what would I be doing if I weren't here.

Was this decision made too early? 

I believe, no decision can be made earlier or later. Honestly.

Jamie and I do have differences, they could be a lot; this relationship has not been easy to cultivate, it is true and any of the problems we have encountered could be the reason to make us quit.

My brother could have stopped wearing other people's glasses and have his eyes as good as they were before. He could have stopped at some point before it became the situation now.

Ming could go to the school dining halls and eat what he liked and eat as much as he wanted rather than worrying about what's cheaper to buy in the grocery store or what could be healthier but not spend that much money.


If we questioned about "what if" all the time, we would always find a better situation and regret what we have chosen. We would then end up with so much regret. Even though there's a better one, there's always something better. Nevertheless everything would move on and we would still be at the same point - the beginning. We wouldn't see what would happen next, and would never reach the end. We would create nothing but a lot of regrets and hesitations.


Everyone has their own journey, I believe this is mine. There's nothing he can do or say that will blind my eyes from seeing how precious our relationship is and how much joy I have received since I met him.

He sometimes kisses me from nowhere and when I ask him why he will say nothing but smile.
When he's asleep soundly at night, he will still hold my hand; he even covers blanket for me but when I ask him if he remembers the next day he will have no memory and give me another smile.

He doesn't need to be superman. He doesn't need a reason to love me, but in his eyes I am always the most beautiful creature on this galaxy.

Did I make a right decision? I think I did.

It's always after we made decision that we would know whether it's right. 








I don't have to understand the way he washes our clothes or our food, neither does he need to understand my ways. But we need to understand we have differences and we shouldn't be mad when things don't go our way. We are a couple we are not enemies. If we harm anything about one another we will only be hurting ourselves.

Don't be mad at something you chose, learn to be grateful for what it brought to you; learn to look forward to where it will take you to, instead of looking back to your comfortable zone.


Which college to go to? Should I or shouldn't I study today? Is making love with him too early now? Do glasses look good on me? Should I buy a heavy jacket for winter? Is getting married a crazy idea?

I don't know.
But if I am happy and willing to take responsibility, I think it's okay.
The good things always come after the decision is made.


I Do

Monday, November 18, 2013

Colorful Scene, Beautiful Lives

Hello everyone! Another week has passed I am writing a new blog and look back what had happened in last week with my friends and family.

Jamie and I went on a trip to DC last weekend, the experience was incredible that I wanted to write down what I saw and report it very much. Here I am finally able to do this! I thought about separating this blog to several different articles I was afraid it would be too long, but then I decided not to. So I hope the people who are reading this will expect a long article to read.

Happened like Magic

It was about a month ago before I came to America and was on the trip with Trevor in Taiwan, Trevor invited me to join the annual Thanksgiving gathering dinner of  Affirmation (LGBT Mormons, Families and Friends). Amazingly a mutual friend of me and Trevor, James who I got to know years ago lives nearby DC and was in charge of the event. It was all lined up! Who knew something like this would happen?

James was super generous ,offering me and Jamie to stay in his house the whole weekend. We headed on the trip on Friday night and planned to stay in DC till Sunday night! The schedule included a Charity Project to help organizing HIV/ homeless shelter for LGBT community on Saturday, Sunday Church and Thanksgiving dinner with Affirmation.

Ten-year-old I was rescued by the Mormon missionaries after getting lost on the street; I had David Archuleta's music to make me believe faith and find hopes during the hardest time in my life; inspired by it I started to learn the Gospel and English, served mission and has experienced so many amazing things that I almost gave up to do; got to know many great people and became friends of life; met my lovely boyfriend and now am living in America with him.

Sitting in the car Jamie and I were singing our favorite songs, he held my hand and constantly turned his head to me, looking at me and smiled. I smiled too. This weekend reminded me a lot of things as well as had a strong realization that I was too overwhelmed to thank all the blessings I have had in this life enough.

Life has not been easy and there were some hardest time that I really thought about ending it. I am so glad I didn't.. Bad times, good times, they happened! But someday when we look back through them, both bad and good time, we will see how amazing it has turned out to be - That was how I felt the entire weekend!

I am really grateful I have Jamie in my life, James let us stay in his and gave us wonderful time in DC, people in Affirmation or in Church who are working and bringing other people joy, I am grateful for this family everyone shares Love.

James, me and Jamie eating lunch on Saturday :)

James's

It was a two-hour drive to Arlington where James lived, we went on the trip right after Jamie got home from work on Friday night. By the time we arrived James's was almost 10 o'clock. James and I talked on the phone and I asked him to bring umbrella since it was raining outside. Then I realized he had been waiting for us outside the building already.. he didn't wear proper, only a T-shirt and short!! That's too cold for that.. >_< James even found a parking place for us and helped Jamie to park his car. We hugged each other and I put a scarf on James as soon as possible!

James and Chip's house was in an apartment building. Walking into the house I felt warm and embraced by the atmosphere they created. A kitty, Frankie who James and Chip adopted weeks ago came and said hello. There were pictures in the frames everywhere in the house, showing the strong relationships these two men had with their families. James showed us around the house and led us to the room he prepared for us. It's until the next morning I finally realized that's the main bedroom of the house which was the room he and Chip slept! James yielded it to us so Jamie and I could sleep together! >_< ... He was too too nice..

Frankie the Kitty!

We sat in the living room and talked for two more hours. I felt like we were best friends that hadn't seen each other for years but met again and had so much to update. James was so easy to talk to and we laughed a lot! We didn't miss talking about our friend Trevor and I told James how awkward I made Trevor when he was in Taiwan. lol Trevor and James grew up in the same town and even went to the same high school but never knew each other until they both went to DC at the other side of the United States! I couldn't stop feeling James and Trevor had a lot in common, they were like brothers!

James and Chip are definitely the role model I look up to! Their story is like a fairy-tale! James and Chip lived in a same building and finally talked to each other in the elevator where their love starting to bloom. Years after, today they live together and have their baby kitty together. They do grocery together, share the closets and bathroom and bedroom, the house fills with the life and love they build together. James texted Chip when he took us to lunch, left him voice message when he bought the food for Frankie so Chip wouldn't buy it again. They work hard for each other during the weekdays, go hiking or watch movie on the weekend. I see a great couple, I see a family unit.
Picture at the corner is Chip and James and their friend

Sometimes people are just like the characters in the story Ugly Duckling. The ducklings didn't understand the baby swan so they judged him; the baby swan didn't understand his true identity and value even when he was back to flying in the sky with the other swan. James and Chip or other same-gender couples are no less beautiful than any straight couple. Sometimes it's just the way we value ourselves, some understand how to appreciate other types of beauty, some don't. Some can be confident to be different, some can't.

To me, everyone is beautiful as long as they find the right place in the right group. Like Ugly Duckling found his place with the other same species/ swans; like James and Chip found each other; like Affirmation is working hard to union those other gay Mormons and provide a home for them to rely on. 

I love James and Chip :') They are so cute!!!! I hope Jamie and I can be their neighbor in the future. Yeah!


Casa Ruby Project

Saturday morning I was supposed to take the chance to go to bank in DC for the fact that there's none in Harrisonburg where Jamie and I live. But the dumbest me forgot to bring my passport and the plan became improbable. We went grocery instead, James took us to his favorite grocery store, Trader Joe's!! I loved it!!!! ha ha They had Hawaii style decorations in the store and super cute price tags everywhere. On top of it, the prices were surprisingly cheaper than the one Jamie and I always went to!! Unusually I allowed Jamie and myself to buy sweets. :P We bought a box of chocolate cookies!!

The plan today was to go to an organization for HIV/ homeless LGBT people, which was the charity project Affirmation was helping. There were ten people showing up.


Max, James and Chris! Max was a return missionary from Mexico and Chris was the friend he brought to the events. They were super funny that I wanted to be with them all the time! It seemed like no matter what I said Chris would laugh, especially when I was not trying to say something funny.. I tried to be serious but I couldn't because Chris just laughed!! lol His eyes are icy blue which I was jealous and wanted to steal. ;)



Michael, our head today told us the story of him sold his car and bought that bike instead, he was super funny too, I like watched Michael and Max and Chris talking even though I couldn't understand most of the things they said. lol Michael played excellent piano, he wanted me to learn songs from musical Les Miserable.

Carl was rather quieter, but it fitted his T-shirt Superman! He secretly did so many things when everybody was talking, I realized it when I looked through the pictures I took that day. I was a little nervous to talk to Carl because I pronounced 'r' and 'l' terribly bad! I wanted to call him but was afraid to call his name. And it would be rude talking to someone not knowing their name!

So I asked the president of Affirmation, Randall, Mr. Bunny.


No, no one called him Mr. Bunny, I just made that up myself.. he's so adorable that I felt he's a little rabbit! See how much he loved Affirmation, he's wearing a T-shirt of it! Next to him is Justin who also served mission in Japan, just like James. The first thing I talked to Justin was that I wasn't a Japanese but a Taiwanese. :P

And me and Jamie of course.

Last not the least was Mark.


Aside from this picture you can tell, Mark is definitely not a human, he must be an elf that's so sacred and tall. He is 6'6 which is about 198 centimeter! Mark held the hats to the wall as well as the earrings, which I wondered if there's anybody could reach to and grab. Because they are near the ceiling. lol


We solved and sorted all the donated clothing by sizes and types so that when people came see it they would be able to find what fit them the most. It was fun. I felt like I was back to my mission with these missionaries! I felt I was again doing those community services with my companions, given a goal and a project then we planned how to do it and worked it out together. There were so much laughter that I didn't know how long we were there. The result was awesome, we were very proud of how we did!

Chris, Max, Carl, Michael, Mark, Justin, Randall, James, me and Jamie

After the service, we stood by the street and discussed our next plan. Some people came without eating so we decided to go to a restaurant!




Matchbox

The restaurant was called Match Box, when I heard they talk about it I thought it was Magic Box and was expecting an amazing magical restaurant where doves and rabbits would show up from nowhere.

We were assigned to a long dinning table and I was framed to sit in the middle like a King or a Queen. But Mark and Jamie and James sat next to me and I had great time talking to them, getting to know more about Mark. Moreover I got to take pictures of everyone's food! :D







The coolest must be this mini burger mountain!!

I liked Mark and my conversation, he's very kind and spiritual just like James. When we shared our stories, I didn't know what to define myself, 'was' a Mormon or 'am' a Mormon. I no longer go to Church for awhile and basically believe in things that's apart from Mormonism. But Mark said I could say it no matter I wanted, I could still be a Mormon even though I didn't go to Church, I could be used to be a Mormon if I felt more comfortable without that title. Mark had a soft and thoughtful heart that really warmed me that night.



Honey and James and I decided to go home after dinner. We thought about coming back to DC after a brief shower and rest at home, but it was raining and home was too comfortable that we ended up making hot chocolate milk with marshmallow and watching movies on the comfy sofas!! lol

Home Buddies!

























At home, James was making us hot chocolate and marshmallow! He boiled the milk and mixed chocolate and other secret ingredients, while I was taking shower and Jamie was studying.

We held a little selection to decide which movie would we be watching. These two guys aggressively suggested us to watch The Princess Bride, they said it was a classic and a must watch!!

Frankie is being curious


They were super concentrated and you could hear they laugh constantly. James also repeated what they said in the movie like he's part of the movie.

However, I fell asleep after having complained multiple times how bad the movie was and received "What??" from Jamie and James. lol I just couldn't understand American humor and the movie often made fun of the accent that just made it even harder to understand. The story was simple but I couldn't find something meaningful that the movie wanna express.

I received more "What??" the next day when I told Michael, Chris and Max what we did tonight. lol

After The Princess Bride we continued watching the next movie, Hairspray! James and Jamie loved that movie, especially James, he knew how to sing every song and was singing along! I wanted to dance. I thought about Max and Chris, they probably were dancing in some club too.

We said goodnight and went to bed, Ming kissed me. I asked his feeling about today, he said he really liked it sincerely! I was worried he wouldn't like being here with me since he didn't know anyone and he was nervous about meeting new people. He certainly was nervous indeed, but he said he liked it because he got to know many different sides of me that he didn't know before. He heard some stories that I didn't share before.



Sunday




Some awesome smell just woke me up on Sunday, it was James making eggs! I ran to the kitchen and was driven drools, I suggested we should have some bagels!  That was so so nice, I felt like I was on a vacation at a nice Vila!

Today we planned to go to Church :) This was the first time I went to Mormon Church in America, I was excited about it.. something I was familiar with yet so foreign to. Ming was nervous too, he didn't really go to any Church. James on the other hand was super happy and had told his friends he would bring friends to Church that day!


Me and James in front of the Church building
I was glad being there, on the sacrament meeting we sang several my favorite hymns. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy the whole service but was very very happy to have James and Ming Ming next to me.

During the service I also felt I had something to learn. There were toddlers in Church who didn't understand what's going on and were crying and screaming being stuck in the room for a hour. They couldn't choose to leave, but an hour would eventually pass by and they might learn something through it - Patience. We the same will go in some situations that we don't enjoy being in, we may be frustrated like those kids, we also will be able to make it through and will learn afterwards. So it's okay to be stuck in unpleasant situation, just remember the silver lining after all.

Hogwarts

 The Thanksgiving potluck was held at Greg's house in Maryland. Before we went there I was told many times how incredible the house was. It's said there could allow more than 75 people to go at the same time. I couldn't believe until I saw the house...





We arrived it early since James was in charge of the event and we wanted to prepare the place before everybody came. There was a piano at dinning hall, I went on it and played. Sadly I almost forgot those songs I practiced before. People didn't seem to mind my rusty performance and wanted me to play more as background music. Jamie sat next to me and supported me the whole time. I was a little self-conscious though.. I knew many of us were able to play piano and I didn't feel like embarrassing myself. >_<

I was glad to see some friends I got to know the day before, Mark and Randall and Michael were all there, and when Max and Chris came we decided to sit together on the same table.






Definition

Chatting with people made me very nervous, I didn't talk to anyone much beside Jamie. So language was the first thing I was concerned about. Meeting new people always makes me nervous too, since I was little I tended to scare/ surprise people because of my voice. I don't feel very comfortable when they find me sounds weird.. Moreover, even though I tried to be true to everybody, sexuality hasn't been something everyone felt fine with. I have not been used to talking about it openly, especially to somebody I didn't know. I didn't know who were Church member and who were not, I didn't know who would like to hear my story who didn't.. I didn't know what were appropriate to say to people what were not.. I simply was just nervous.. and when I became nervous I would talk a lot, joke a lot, in case no one would find me being nervous, no one would be awkward.

However, people were kind to me. Kathy and her partner and daughter came talk to me when I was standing against the wall alone. They wanted to get to know Jamie too and we found out Liz, the daughter, graduated from the same school that Jamie is not attending!

Max told me he wanted me to be on his Facebook, which made me feel he not only liked this experience meeting me but also wanted it to be a long term friendship. He also tried to help me and Jamie and thought about how could allow me to stay in the US with Jamie.

Daniel and Dave, the guys you would recognized as sporty college boys who would mock gay people that I was scared to interact with, were surprisingly nice and joked with me to ease my anxiety.

Patrick the smart doctor-to-be told me he just came out and we discussed our ideal future with our loved ones. It also turned out that he's in the school that I am going to next year, University of Maryland!

More surprising, Richard spoke Chinese to me and told me he was a return missionary from Taiwan!!!!

I remember at dinner the day before, Randall posted a picture of all of us taken at Caca Rubby to Facebook. He was wowing how photo genetic everyone was on that picture and he emphasized Jamie and I looked super cute together, the other people agreed. I was very touched that moment... 


They were happy for us being us. There was no reason to define myself as anything I suddenly realized. It's okay to be who I was whether a Church member or not, whether gay or straight, whether an American with perfect English or not.. They talked to me and hugged me, we took pictures and remembered the moments. They were interested in any stories and shared theirs too. Nobody cared what type of people we defined ourselves, there people only had one belief - it was a big family, we all carried different backgrounds, or even burdens, but we shared them with the ones that cared. We also shared joys. Couples, children, happy single people.. etc. We shared lives. I found that so beautiful.







It truly was like Cinderella's story, I felt Ming and I were princes.


We couldn't stay too long because we had to drive a few hours home, Ming had a school project discussion with classmates. On our way home we were sad.. I didn't want to say goodbye to those great people we just met.

But I am sure we will meet again. :) With more stories.