Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Decision Made, Earlier or Later

When I was little, my brother always told me how much he wanted to wear glasses. He was jealous of those who wore glasses which he found very fashionable. He started to steal my mom's glasses and wear them. In the beginning, it's really uncomfortable and everything he saw was blurry and unclear, but it didn't stop him. He ultimately was diagnosed that he needed glasses himself as his eyes were not good anymore. Years later, he has had a couple different glasses, some were broken and some were not useful. He also bought contacts and used them when he needed to do intense exercise or perform on the stage. He has said it's a lot of trouble, but I haven't heard him complain about it for awhile.

He was too little to understand what was ahead in the future and he would find trouble later. He couldn't be sure what he wanted or if he could be stuck with it forever. It looked good in the beginning, but soon he had no choice but to wear it most of time, and it became less attractive than it was.

I often hear people ask when would be a perfect time to get married, or to lose virginity, or to do something. Even buying a jacket, people question the better time to do it. Some say it's great to buy clothes when seasons are changing, such as buying winter clothes when it's the end of winter so it would be cheaper since they want to clean out the space or storage; on the other hand people may ask why do they buy winter clothes when winter is almost gone.

Being in a relationship now for almost a year I still ask myself a question "Is Ming really the one for me?"

The huge percentage of the time, our relationship was spent when we were separated. Many of the things I knew about him was not the same as being with him in person. How did I know I would love him no matter what and decide to come to America with only a suitcase..? How was I so sure to leave my home and to build a new one in a foreign country with a guy I only talked through messages and phone calls and videos?

While the problems haven't been solved, we have been given more! What are the options and possibilities for us to be together, in other words, how can I stay in America for a longer time than just a few months? The most positive way is that we two to get married. Seriously?? Getting Married?? Am I really going to wear a ring that will tell everyone or anyone that I belong to somebody who wears the ring with me?? Am I really going to take care of this guy no matter what happens to him or what he needs and love him for who he is, who he wants to be, and support him?? Can I love him unconditionally?? Can I resist any other temptation and only love him the rest of my life which is approximately 55 years??

Tons of questions keep popping out of my mind, however there's no way for me to see what the future holds for us.

He washes fruits and veggies like he never washed them before, he only lets the water flash for a second and he looks at me like they are all clean. He throws everything into the washing machine and when it tells him it's ready he thinks it's ready and all his clothes are fresh and clean. He feels the shirts he wears a day is very dirty but he jumps into bed without taking shower and he thinks he's clean by only taking off those clothes but forgets the face, the hair, the hands, and feet, even his mouth need to be clean too. He feels anything that's wet is dirty, even when they are just washed; but his floor is always clean even though he just drops some pieces of cookies on it.

He drives me crazy when I talk to him but he's looking at his phone. He makes me furious when the only comment I get from him after cooking him dinner is "(gasps) That's a lot of food!" instead of "Thank you honey for the food I can't wait to eat!" He makes himself a total ruthless, coldblooded, bad guy who doesn't know how to appreciate my hard work!!

I sometimes feel I shouldn't have came all the way from Taiwan. I shouldn't have done this, why am I here being a servant and being so dumb when I can't understand anything people are talking or when I can't answer whatever they ask me? I have imagined what would I be doing if I weren't here.

Was this decision made too early? 

I believe, no decision can be made earlier or later. Honestly.

Jamie and I do have differences, they could be a lot; this relationship has not been easy to cultivate, it is true and any of the problems we have encountered could be the reason to make us quit.

My brother could have stopped wearing other people's glasses and have his eyes as good as they were before. He could have stopped at some point before it became the situation now.

Ming could go to the school dining halls and eat what he liked and eat as much as he wanted rather than worrying about what's cheaper to buy in the grocery store or what could be healthier but not spend that much money.

If we questioned about "what if" all the time, we would always find a better situation and regret what we have chosen. We would then end up with so much regret. Even though there's a better one, there's always something better. Nevertheless everything would move on and we would still be at the same point - the beginning. We wouldn't see what would happen next, and would never reach the end. We would create nothing but a lot of regrets and hesitations.

Everyone has their own journey, I believe this is mine. There's nothing he can do or say that will blind my eyes from seeing how precious our relationship is and how much joy I have received since I met him.

He sometimes kisses me from nowhere and when I ask him why he will say nothing but smile.
When he's asleep soundly at night, he will still hold my hand; he even covers blanket for me but when I ask him if he remembers the next day he will have no memory and give me another smile.

He doesn't need to be superman. He doesn't need a reason to love me, but in his eyes I am always the most beautiful creature on this galaxy.

Did I make a right decision? I think I did.

It's always after we made decision that we would know whether it's right. 

I don't have to understand the way he washes our clothes or our food, neither does he need to understand my ways. But we need to understand we have differences and we shouldn't be mad when things don't go our way. We are a couple we are not enemies. If we harm anything about one another we will only be hurting ourselves.

Don't be mad at something you chose, learn to be grateful for what it brought to you; learn to look forward to where it will take you to, instead of looking back to your comfortable zone.

Which college to go to? Should I or shouldn't I study today? Is making love with him too early now? Do glasses look good on me? Should I buy a heavy jacket for winter? Is getting married a crazy idea?

I don't know.
But if I am happy and willing to take responsibility, I think it's okay.
The good things always come after the decision is made.

I Do

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